Start The Teaching

When the NY law on gay marriage passed, the first phone call I received was from my parents in Arizona; their voices filled with joy and desire to celebrate the moment.  This example of love and support for my gay life – an existential connection to my gay identity – left me in tears.

I started wondering, how many other gay New Yorkers heard from parents or heterosexual family members?

So, I began asking my friends and gay clients.  To date: very few – less than ten percent – received phone calls from straight family members commemorating the new law.  Does this make family horrible people?

No.  Does this mean heterosexual family members may need some training in how to treat gays?  Absolutely.

As gay adults it becomes important to train our parents and family in how to support our gay lives.  My parents really blew me away with the support they gave me with that phone call.  This requires that I consistently praise and thank them for it.  I consider it my job to let them know what they are doing that supports my gay life. 

Heterosexuals need training in how to treat gay people.  Some need it more than others.  Here’s one very important reason why.  Beginning with Stonewall, we only have forty-two years as a publicly recognized group.  Why would we possibly think that all straight people know how to support our gay lives?  This doesn’t mean that family members don’t love us or care.  It means that most of them need to be taught how to validate our gay lives.

Do your parents need training in how to treat you?  If so, then let’s start teaching them.   The NY gay marriage law is a good place to begin.

If your parents are still living and you didn’t hear from them, please consider doing the following:

Think of two examples of where you felt gay support from your family (if you cannot think of any proof of their support, then do not contact your parents).  Then, call your parents and ask them if they heard about the law legalizing gay marriage in NY.  If they say that they heard about it – which of course, they must have – ask them the following.

Tell them some gay people heard from their parents after the law passed and their parents congratulated them.  Ask them if they realize the difference it would have made in your own pride and comfort with your gay identity if you had heard from them.  Ask them if they would agree to let you help train them on how to increase their support to your gay life.

If they say no, they don’t want the help and they do not want to talk about this, then tell them the two examples where you felt their support, thank them for that and end the phone call.  You now have more information on how the lack of an existential connection from your family impacts on your gay identity. Do not underestimate the influence this lack of an existential connection is creating in your adult gay life.  If you think you need help, please contact a mental health professional.

If your parents say yes, they would be willing to have the help, try the following.  “I appreciate your support (and give them the two examples) and I do not expect you to know everything that I need to help my comfort with being gay.  Let me spend some time thinking about what I need and then we can talk about it again.  Thanks very much for your willingness to let me help.  I really appreciate it”.

Then after the phone call start thinking about what you need, ask friends for advice.  Let me know how I help you figure out what to teach them.  Please leave me a comment on here.  Suggest to your parents that they read this article on my blog and also the posting titled – I Love Gay Men and NY.  This will give all of you something to talk about it.

Now, let’s move beyond your parents.  First, keep in mind how many gay men will not have parents that will be supportive of this training.  Repay this gratitude with kindness towards other gay men.

Second, we have to be prepared there is going to be loads of evident backlash of hate – Hello! Ms. Bachmann – against gays now as fearful heterosexuals think we are taking over the world.  This doesn’t make them horrible people either.  It means they need to be trained how to treat gays. 

Third, let it become your job to train heterosexuals: this is how you treat and support gays.  You will have the most success with heterosexuals that already know you and like you, but may not be aware you are gay.

You are the one who really knows the support you need in your gay life.  Stop wishing for it and start training the heterosexuals to give it to you.  Many of them just need to be taught.  How could we possibly think they know how if no one has taught them?

It’s your job.  It’s our job.  We can do it.