Bob Bergeron, LCSW

The tragic suicides in the past week of thirteen year-old Asher Brown in Texas, thirteen year-old Seth Walsh in California and nineteen year-old Tyler Clementi in New Jersey are the heartbreaking proof of how bullying from males in childhood can impact on our safety relating to other males.

How can we help teens not give up when they are bullied?  By getting involved and letting them know things can improve in how males relate to them in adulthood.  We as openly gay men are that evidence.

When I spoke in September to a room of gay men at New York’s The Center, it reminded me yet again on how profoundly moved I become when I realize what we successfully achieve as adult gay men.

I find it such a cruel irony that our lives begin with a foundation of very little positive interaction with other males.  In fact, in most cases – childhoods and adolescence filled with fear, bullying and often abuse from other males.  This is the foundation of relating to males we take into our lives as openly gay men.  Being uncomfortable around males in childhood is often our most common experience.

And yet, what happens when we become openly gay men?  We spend the rest of our lives interacting with – what – MALES.

Well, good luck with that!

But you know what?  We do succeed!  It is profoundly amazing, but we do gain comfort with men.  The Asher, Seth and Tylers of the world need to know this!

There were almost fifty men in that room at The Center and almost every one of them raised their hand when I asked if their childhoods included discomfort and being bullied by males.  You can see me talking about it in this clip, and since the camera was protecting men’s privacy and only filming me; you are going to have to take my word for it that they raised their hand.  But as a gay man, I think you know they did, because your childhood included this bullying as well.

And that is what I am in awe of.  In spite of that foundation from childhood, look at how much we achieve in how we relate to each other as adult gay men.  It is miraculous what we accomplish gaining comfort interacting with each other when our foundations of relating to males were so painful.

Please do not lose sight of this.  No matter what your level of comfort is with males as an adult gay man – it is a victory over what you experienced in childhood.  Do not compare your level of comfort with another gay man’s comfort.  Do not compare your skill with sexual attention with other men’s.  We all have succeeded in our own ways.  We have such amazing strength as gay men and our ability to interact with men at all after our childhoods proves it.

The suicides of these three young men are horrific.  While they fill us with profound sadness, let them inspire you to look at what you have endured, and survived.  Let them serve as the evidence of how critical it is for you to get involved helping young men see that adult lives as gay men can include happiness, less fear of our attraction to males and people loving us and accepting us because we are gay.  Get involved, Google Trevor Project the 24-hour suicide hotline for gay and questioning youth and GLSEN – Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network.

Let these deaths also be a reminder to all of us, that every gay man’s story includes childhood bullying from males.  Help all adult gay men by treating all gay men with kindness, no matter their age, their body type, or how they treat you.

Please come on 10/26 at 6:30 to The Center and attend this workshop!

Here’s some clips from the workshop on 9/21 at New York’s Gay and Lesbian Center.  It was wonderful to have so many gay men turn out for a conversation about how we can gain happiness in aging by relating to men with more compassion and understanding.

Please come next month on 10/26 at 6:30 to The Center if you missed this workshop!!

Areas of our life that we don’t like or that fail to bring us happiness can often become what we avoid changing.  As a gay man, no matter your age, what role has sexual attention played in filling the empty areas of your life that bring unhappiness or confusion? I write frequently on the topic of sexual attention because the power of this attention for gay men can have such an impact on the life and decisions we make and it often predicts how we will deal with our aging.

Every man’s story with sexual attention is different.  For many gay men I work with they were cute and hot when young and that was the time when their story included the highest levels of sexual attention.  And that can often be when it is the most dangerous period in a young adult gay life to get that attention. If a childhood included painful interactions (even bullying) from other males, having men now respond favorably can distract a young man from building other relevant and meaningful parts to his life – because the attention feels so damn good and makes him very happy.  Even in moments when he was feeling depressed, hating his job, not liking his friends, this attention could fill that void and make a cute young gay man feel better.  Which can result in him doing nothing to address the lack of exciting and meaningful components in the rest of his life.

When a younger gay man’s story includes this type of relationship to sexual attention, he’s in real trouble when he gets older if he hasn’t created other areas of his life that matter – because sexual attention from our looks goes away.  And there are many hot gay men who hit forty and have never filled that void.

But getting older doesn’t always mean that you lose sexual attention, for some men as they mature this is when their story begins to include sexual attention for the first time.  The designer Marc Jacobs is a perfect example.  There’s an ad out with Marc for his new fragrance for men, have you seen the ad? – he’s the model and he’s not wearing anything.

Some gay men will say – queen…….REALLY?  You are in your forties Ms. Jacobs, don’t pose naked with a bottle of your damn cologne in your crotch!

I disagree.  We don’t have to know Marc Jacobs personally to know he did not always look this way.  So while in his younger years he may have received sexual attention for his power or his artistic brilliance, he likely never got much of it as a result of how his body looked.

Well he is getting it now and clearly he’s having a blast and he deserves it.  He works out at my gym in NY and the man trains hard, as hard or harder than most of the men there.  He has worked his ass off for this body, so what’s the crime in him enjoying being a sexual object for it now, even if he is in his forties?  It has to be such a great feeling of accomplishment for him to get sexual attention in this way because his story never really included it.

So, whatever your story if it has included the sexual attention that comes strictly from being a sexual object – then you know what Marc Jacobs feels like right now.  But we all know that our looks are ephemeral – and so is the attention that comes from our looks because it also goes away.  And that is why it is so critical with sexual attention to make sure it is not filling a void for lack of life satisfaction in other areas.

Do any of us need to worry about Marc Jacobs and an absence of anything relevant in his life when his sexual attention goes away?  No, we don’t, because the man is brilliant and there is no void in other areas of his life that bring him enjoyment.  In fact, the void from not fitting in as a kid, and not being a sexual object as a younger man allowed him to channel all his focus in filling that void with his talent and creativity – which gives him a back-up plan when he will no longer be a sex object.

It is not uncommon to fill a void with something else.  And for many young gay men that are hot they fill that void with the pleasure that comes with the power of sexual attention.  A life that begins with not being popular with males in childhood, followed by huge amounts of popularity as a hot younger gay man, can distract a man from ever filling the voids that may exist in social awkwardness, lack of a boyfriend or lack of professional focus and passion. This leaves a man with no back-up plan when sexual attention fades, now he has yet another void in his life.

The other extreme is men like Marc Jacobs, their life may have only been filled with professional focus and they never developed or had the confidence to believe they could take care of their bodies with a commitment to fitness. If your story never included athletic abilities as a child and never included a relationship with fitness as a younger gay man then this is likely one of your voids.  Imagine the joy from the sense of accomplishment in creating it now. Being a happy older gay man includes being a healthy and fit older gay man, there’s no way around it.  Look at Marc Jacobs as an example of what is possible.

It proves with hard work and focus we can achieve beyond our dreams in the areas where there are voids.

Wherever your voids – don’t lose hope – its time to put the hard work into changing the areas of your life where you are not happy.  Think about your history and how old you were/are as an openly gay man when you began receiving sexual attention.  The younger you were and the more attention you got, the more likely it is you may have been distracted from voids in other areas of your life and putting the years of hard work into changing them. Or if you didn’t receive sexual attention as a younger gay man, you may have never developed a relationship with the hard work of a consistent routine of taking care of your body with fitness.

These are often not pleasant revelations, but the sooner you look at your life honestly and begin a plan to fill voids – the quicker you will have a back-up plan for more happiness as an older gay man!

Gay pride can mean something different for each of us.  For the openly gay men who are part of the subculture of bars, clubs and nightlife – gay pride often means it is time to party!

If your life as a younger gay man included this type of connection to gay pride, remember how exciting it was?  Remember the amount of training a young man would put into his body before he would be shirtless during pride?  The interest he would have in finding the parties where all the hottest guys were?  And gay pride required taking Monday off work because Sunday night and Monday morning pride parties were some of the best times!

As older gay men, gay pride can start to become something different. Career demands may not give the option to take off Monday.  Our bodies cannot handle going to every party and doing tons of alcohol and drugs.  And we may wonder what if everyone is hot and twenty-eight and I’m the oldest guy there?  For all these reasons, it leaves us often not knowing where we fit in anymore – and many give up on participating in gay prides.

If you had fun at gay pride as a younger man, but have signed off as an older man, consider the following:

Gay pride presents some of the most age-appropriate options for gay men over forty to still participate in the gay subculture of nightlife and dancing.  Because gay pride is for everyone, there is a guarantee that there will be a range of ages in attendance at gay pride events.  The same cannot be said about going out on a random Friday or Saturday night, when it is very likely most of the men will be under thirty.

As a man over forty, be honest with yourself about your concerns with attending gay pride.  Here are the top three fears I hear from gay men over forty about still participating in gay subculture: Scared of being the oldest.  Scared of doing drugs. Scared of being invisible when you want to get laid and have a sleazy time.

Scared of being the oldest. You can find events with gay pride that prevent this from being the case.  In New York, Folsom East, the parade, the Heritage of Pride Pier Dance and Alegria will all be events where there will be a wide range of men of all ages.

Scared of doing drugs. If you have a history that when drugs are around, you cannot stop yourself from doing them – then you may still have to keep away from gay pride.  But if you haven’t attended gay pride parties in years because your life demands do not allow you to do drugs, are there other things that matter to you about pride parties?  If you like the music, if you like running into people you haven’t seen, then you have some options of fun and can stay away from drugs.  New York’s pier dance or any day-time gay pride event in the city where you live are perfect examples – they start in the afternoon and end by early evening.  That time of day is appropriate for any of us over forty who are no longer used to being up at 3am.  Dance for a few hours and then go home and be in bed and back to work on Monday.

Scared of being invisible when you want to get laid and have a sleazy time. As older men we are going to get less sexual attention in gay subculture. Wanting sexual attention and sex doesn’t go away just because we get older.  In fact, if often becomes increasingly more important because we now receive less of it than when we were younger (unless you have an enormous penis or huge amounts of money).  But finding places where we can still participate in the hunt requires honest, reality-tested thinking.  If you like getting sexual attention as an older gay man, it requires going to the venues where you can get the sexual attention and that will not always be the places filled with all the hottest younger men.  If being surrounded by the hottest young men is the most important thing, then it means for almost all older gay men, they will be invisible to sex and sexual attention in those settings.

So, if you are looking for sex, you need to find a setting where you are more likely to get that sexual attention and the sex.  That is achieved by not attending the parties with all the hottest young guys because you will be less likely to get laid or receive sexual attention at a party crowded with hot younger gay men.  Instead it means attending events where you know there will be guys your age and older who have sex with guys their own age, like Folsom and the pier dance.  This doesn’t suggest never attending events where there are hot young guys – but rather finding other purposes to participate beyond a desire for sex and sexual attention.

Accepting our changing role as older gay men in gay subculture doesn’t have to mean we stop having fun!  It does however require creating a different strategy than when we were younger gay men – because we cannot go to every party, we cannot drink and do drugs the way we used to and we will not get sex and sexual attention everywhere.

Betty White hosted SNL in early May with great success.  No one made fun of her age or used her being eighty-eight to mock or criticize her – they used her age to create comedy out of the contrast with youth.  The cast and musical guest Jay Z revered her and the program had the highest ratings on SNL for the past two years.

This is exactly the type of acceptance about being older that is absent from how we treat older gay men and think about our own aging process as gay men.

I help gay men achieve more happiness and confidence as older men by lowering their fears on aging. One of the most successful methods to gain more comfort as an older gay man is accomplished through changing the value of sexual attention.  I define sexual attention as the flirting and cruising that we give and receive from other gay men.  It can also include having sex, but it very often can simply be the attention from cruising or flirting.

Part of the confusion with aging has to do with the loss of this sexual attention – we fear we will get none and be invisible as older gay men.  And when we participate in areas of gay subculture where sexual attention is present, (bars and clubs), or where one is actually looking for sex (a bath house or a sex club, or even online) and older gay men are also there for that same reason – we do not receive their presence with the welcoming Betty White experienced on SNL.

This desire for sexual attention can have an impact on how we react to seeing older gay men that continue to participate in gay subculture. I have a client who is obsessed with Barbra Streisand, Angela Lansbury and Liza Minnelli.  None of these women are under sixty-two and yet he has no problem with their age.  But when he ventures out into the gay subculture of bars and sex clubs and sees men the similar age of his female icons he is frustrated by their attendance.  His reason for going out is for sex and sexual attention and these older gay men get in the way of that pleasure for him.

As gay men when we enjoy Betty While, Barbra Streisand or Angela Lansbury we are simply enjoying what they have to offer in talent – that is the pleasure they bring for us.  That’s exactly what is lacking in the process with older gay men in gay subculture and the Betty White equation gives the blueprint of how to change those experiences with older gay men.

We do not receive pleasure when we see older men looking for sex or sexual attention because it challenges our own process of figuring out what our individual needs of sexual attention are as we become older gay men.  It also challenges how we struggle with the confusion of what is considered age-appropriate.  And that fear can bring the intolerance we experience with seeing older gay men’s continued presence in gay subculture versus the acceptance that comes from the pleasure of Betty White.  Reacting differently to older gay men is accomplished through lowering the value on sexual attention.

The same night that Betty White was on SNL there was a dance celebrating the anniversary of Studio 54 at New York’s The Center.  I went to the event.  It was definitely an older crowd – at forty-eight, I was one of the youngest guys there.

Your story with sexual attention as a younger gay man provides the clues for the solution on how to lower its importance now that you are older.  Similar to many gay men, when I was younger the pleasure I experienced from sexual attention was often the only reason I participated in gay subculture.  Decreasing the importance of sexual attention can be achieved by finding other important experiences that bring pleasure as the reasons for interacting. What was my purpose for attending Studio 54 night?  It wasn’t for sex or sexual attention – it was to dance to the music.  I walked into Got to Real by Cheryl Lynn followed by Best of My Love from the Emotions.  Damn!  I had fun.  Yet it was difficult for me to keep an open mind.

At the dance many of the men were dressed in 70’s outfits, there were two go-go dancers and both of them had to be close to sixty or more.  Someone I was talking with invited me to come over and dance with his group, by the go-go boys.  And in my head I was thinking – go-go boys?  More like go-go gramps, those guys gotta be sixty.  I didn’t say it out loud but it pointed out to me how far I still have to go in my own process of figuring out sexual attention.

Our own rules of what we determine to be age-appropriate with sexual attention can influence how we treat older gay men who are still looking for attention.  These go-go men were displaying sexual attention –giving it and receiving it – and it made me uncomfortable enough to want to make a bitchy joke.  I didn’t have a problem with the older drag queen Rollerena who attended, I didn’t have a problem with the older gay men doing couples dancing to the disco music, I found those sweetly beautiful.

Rollerena and watching the couples dancing gave me pleasure in that Betty White kind of way.  There was no sex or sexual attention in the equation.  But the go-go dancers were there to provide sexual attention and that did not bring me much pleasure because it questioned my own struggle with what is age appropriate for me at forty-eight in giving and receiving sexual attention.

And similar to other gay men’s stories, the pleasure of sexual attention as a younger gay man unfortunately sometimes led to situations when that power would make me treat others like those bitchy characters in the film Mean Girls.  When you increase the value of being respectful of other gay men – it lowers the importance of sexual attention. I lost that ability to be civil with my reaction to the go-go dancers out of my own fears with getting older.  When I realized this and was able to tell myself what is more age-appropriate than two sixty year-old go-go dancers receiving their sexual attention at Studio 54 night at The Center – my fear and my bitchiness went away.  I could now enjoy them in that Betty White kind of way.  And if I could do it all over again with what I learned about myself at The Center Dance, I would go up and stick a $5 bill in each of the dancers jockstraps.  Actually, screw it – make it a $20 for each of those amazingly brave men who are teaching me to deal with my own fears on aging.

Your story of your own relationship with sexual attention details what kind of pleasure and importance it added to your life as a younger gay man and by looking at your story you can figure out how to lower the value you place on its importance by changing how you react to it and engage with it now that you are older.  I know more about how and why my own story on sexual attention needed more flexibility now because of Betty White and two go-go boys (yes…….boys) at The Center.  I have the rest of my life as an older gay man to continue to become more respectful of every gay man’s journey with sexual attention.

For many who have kept their jobs during the economic terrors of the past two years they are enduring impossible work situations.  With major staff reductions they are doing the jobs of not just one – but sometimes as many as three or four people.

That stress can get to you.  There is an interesting article in today’s Washington Post that talks about exactly that issue, go to my twitter for the link to the article.

There’s no question so many of us have been lucky to keep jobs in this economy – especially when we know so many who have lost their jobs.  But having a job where you are doing the work of three people can leave one feeling trapped.

And when one feels trapped – they will likely have higher rates of depression, anxiety and sleeplessness – all of which will impact on their health.  This can lead one to increased isolation, increased substance use, and increased risky behavior.

If you are a gay man who didn’t lose your job and are now actually doing the work of several people – how is this impacting on you?  Do you feel trapped in your job?  Do you hate going to work?  By Sunday afternoon do you dread the approaching Monday?  Do you find yourself wishing you had an easier life with less responsibilities and find yourself envying the life of a bartender or a trainer at your gym?

These are very common reactions to feeling trapped in work stress and to deal with that confusion, that hopelessness some gay men increase their access to parts of gay subculture like bars and online sex sites to cope.

If this sounds like your situation – consider the following – because of staff reductions at your job you are likely experiencing higher rates of anxiety and depression.  And as a result of that stress and that hopelessness you will likely hate your job more than you ever have and at the same time think you are doing a bad job at your work.  This thinking will create even more worry and more depression.

For many of us as gay men, we have a history of being ordered, being tidy – these can be how we are described in childhood in comparison to the raucous assertive behavior of other boys.  When we are struggling with trying to figure out what makes us different than these other boys, keeping our rooms and keeping our appearance ordered and tidy as children can be one of the ways we find psychological comfort with this stress and confusion.  We cannot impress the other boys in sports and we continue to disappoint our fathers because we do not exhibit gender stereotypical behavior – but everything will be okay as long as we keep everything looking neat and tidy.

Well that is exactly what is absent from your ability to perform at work if you are now doing the work of four staff people.  That kind of an over-worked situation means – five hundred unopened emails, nothing checked off on your to-do list and complete chaos.  And for a gay man with a history of being ordered – that means he is failing and that he is doing a bad job.

No one can pull of the impossible and getting everything done and keeping it all in order is impossible if you are doing the work of several people.  I can’t help you get more staff to help you right now, but I can help you reality-test your current situation.

Think differently about chaos and think differently now as an adult gay man about how you handle the stress of disorder.  These past two years with the collapse of the economy have been complete disorder.  And coping with that disorder is something we all have to do.  If you are having a difficult time coping with that disorder – this is not a time to isolate or escape with drugs, alcohol and risky behaviors – reach out for help to support you in creating a different relationship with disorder.

Because until the economy turns around and corporations start hiring again – disorder is the new black.

Long-time steroid users could be doing more heavy lifting on their heart than they may realize.  Researchers out of Massachusetts General Hospital are reporting a significant impact on blood flow to the heart in a study of male steroids users.

Go to my Twitter account for the link to the entire article on the research.

This research got me wondering on the impact that steroid usage may be having on the hearts of gay men over forty who are on the juice.  When I look around at my gym  at the gay men over forty who are dedicated to their fitness – a large percentage are on steroids.

When I look around online and see the pics of men on sex sites that clearly go to the gym regularly, when it comes to gay men over forty – a good deal of them are on steroids.  And when I go out to bars or events like the Black Party where there will be groups of older gay men – so many of the fit gay men over forty are on the juice.

For any of us gay men over forty trying to figure out what our individual fitness plan is men on steroids can be either our inspiration or a source of confusion in setting our own goals with our body.

There’s no question the big muscled body gets a huge amount of sexual attention.  And for gay men sexual attention is very important.  When we become older gay men and we get less sexual attention from other men it can be very painful.

The community of older gay men on steroids are visible participants in the gay subculture of gym, online sites and parties – and in these settings a muscled body will get sexual attention.  In the gay subculture of sex and club events – the muscle daddy will always get sexual attention and as a result I cannot even imagine how difficult it would be to consider giving up that attention.  And if recreational drug use, which also forces the heart to work harder, is also a part of the equation – and in settings of sex and nightlife for gay men, it often is – what is the potential extra strain being put on the heart of a gay man over forty, who is a long-time steroid user while he’s partying with recreational drugs?

I have always envied the dedication to fitness a man on steroid has, I have never wanted the health or psychological risks that come with it.  There’s a million reasons why gay men will do steroids, and each man has his own reasons and many of them are relevant. But one reason that so many of them struggle with giving up doing steroids is because of what they will lose in sexual attention when they lose that muscle size.  And they are absolutely right – less men will give them sexual attention when they have lost twenty pounds.  Can you imagine how hard that must be to deal with?

Let any of your friends on steroids know they may be able to find a way out of their relationship to the juice.  As we continue to learn as older gay men how to change the importance of sexual attention we can be more comfortable with the size of our bodies. And, as we learn how to relate in different ways to all gay men we can be confident in gay subculture when we do not receive that sexual attention.